Breaking down this girl trying to nail a tree video

Listen, say what you will about this girl and how she’s an absolute wreck. Say what you will about the people not stopping her. Say what you will about these festivals. Whatever, it doesn’t matter. What no one is talking about is the emotional torment that this tree just went through. Seriously, if you’re a guy you know exactly what this tree just had to handle. If you’re a girl then you don’t and since I’m a fucking hero I’ll fill you ladies in.


Tree is hangin out, creating shade and oxygen at a pretty sweet concert. Tree is modest, he doesn’t need all of the attention, but he naturally wouldn’t mind some. Woah, dancing girl coming out of left field! It’s Tree’s time to shine. Play it cool, you don’t want to fuck this up, buddy. Let’s just see where this goes.



Still playing it cool. A little stiff (HAHA! DAD JOKE 101) but nothing to be concerned with. We can agree that this is going about as well as it possibly can for Tree. Dance girl is getting VERY real and Tree is handling her getting naked with unbelievable composure.


Then the unthinkable:


Tree not only somehow landed a little make out sesh within 2 minutes of dancing, he landed one with the naughtiest little minx at the concert. In your fucking face, every other guy/inanimate object! Look at all of the suckers lining up in the back literally begging for a shot. Not on Tree’s time. Tree is a whole new tree. We’re talking confidence through the ozone layer (Dad joke 102, take notes).


What the fuck happened?! Did our hero get a little too comfy and step too far? Had to be put in check, I guess. Oh well, count this a loss Tree. Move on to the next one, better luck in the future. But wait…


HELL YEAH, HE’S BACK IN SOMEHOW! She can’t keep her fucking claws off Tree for more than 15 seconds! And right when we thought you can’t do more than make out with a tree…


Major NSFW blow jammer. This tree is dripping with sex right now. Say goodbye to people sneakily peeing on you, Tree. Say hello to your new life in Oraltown.


Of course. Every guy saw this coming. Dance girl’s friends can’t let a girl have a little fun and had to physically drag her out. No guy/tree is good enough for her, right?! Total bullshit. Throw a blanket on them and at least let Tree get an OTBHJ (over the bark handy, keep up). Girls’ friends always have to spoil the good time. Leaving poor Tree standing there like a fucking loser. The only thing we have to cling to is that one of the girls in the crowd got a little jealous and snuck in for second at bat. We can only hope. Either way, this was a major day for what looks like maple trees everywhere. That girl will never forget Tree. Not because she’s all over the internet for trying to fuck a tree, but because Tree put up with her shit and still wanted to keep her around. That’s the kind of tree that all girls want.


A few quick notes:

-If some dude just scootched his way in between these two he would be in a world of sex and then probably herpes.

-I know I didn’t use a wood/boner joke. That’s too easy, much like this broad.

-I also know this video is super old, but I just saw it for the first time so I’m ignoring that. Let’s pretend it’s brand new.

-This is the most difficult “would you still?” situation on the planet.

-My computer might explode from making all of those fucking GIFs. It sounds like a really old window AC unit.



One response to “Breaking down this girl trying to nail a tree video

  1. I’d like to point out that my blog about hitting on girls absolutely does not apply to Tree. Might as well have been wearing shades and a leather jacket.

    Sidenote: Can you be cuckholded by a plant? Because if i see Anna Kendrick with her arm around a maple tree tomorow im gonna kill myself

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